


all these voices in my head get loud (i wish i could shut them out)

by whereyougo



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: (side) Kim Burgess/Adam Ruzek, Angst, Blood and Violence, Crime, Crime Scenes, Crimes & Criminals, Drug Use, F/M, Healing, Jay Halstead/Erin Lindsay (past), Jay’s army past, Mentions of Violence, Partners to Lovers, Past Relationship(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Jay, Sexual Content, Slow Burn, alcohol use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:34:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28636362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whereyougo/pseuds/whereyougo
Summary: "Halstead, are you sure you're with me? If you're not with me, then you have to tell me." Hailey explains to him, keeping her voice soft when he's sure that anyone else would be annoyed with him by now.He swallows and closes his eyes for a moment to blanket over the darkness he feels catching up to him. When he opens his eyes he's now determined. Jay checks over to Hailey and he doesn't want to screw this up for her. "Yeah, I'm with you."Those bright blue eyes are searching his for the honesty behind his affirmation and he feels like he's caught in a trance all over again. But it's not the darkness that's pulling him in this time. It's her. Only her.- Or a partners to lovers story where Jay's battling past demons and Hailey has her heart closed off
Relationships: Jay Halstead & Hailey Upton, Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton
Comments: 4
Kudos: 39





	all these voices in my head get loud (i wish i could shut them out)

**Author's Note:**

> **WARNINGS: Language, Descriptions of blood and violent acts to the human body, Violence, Weapons, Drug and alcohol use/abuse, Mental health/illness - such as PTSD and depression (which may only shadow how it's done on television and in movies), and future sexual content.
> 
> I do not own the characters and all characterizations are to fit the plot of this work. This story is completely fictional. For example: Erin Lindsay's portrayal in this is going to be a bit dark, which is not to be villainous. It's pretty much just a fictional version of 'what-if' Voight wasn't part of her life.
> 
> I do have another work posted and because I know not everyone reads Alternate Universe Upstead, this ones for them! This is my first time ever writing crime so I hope I'll be able to create puzzles pieces that will fit together in the end. I can watch crime shows and documentaries way better than I can write them.
> 
> All mistakes/grammar errors are mine and will be fixed!

_"Jay, please don't leave me here."_

_"I'm not leaving you here. I promise I'll come back for you, okay?"_

_"Jay? Jay!"_

"Jay?" There's a blurry hand waving in front of his face. There's words mixing around in his ears, sounding too distant for him to grasp onto.

"I promised I'd come back for you, didn't I?" A man with the a beard and wearing a plaid shirt said with a sly smile.

At the words, Jay can't help but flinch as they hit him like an echoing memory. _"I promise I'll come back for you."_ He blinks a few times, trying to erase the thought and focus clearly on the two men who now stood before him.

One is older, wearing an old golf cap - one like he remembers his grandfather wearing, now he's wondering if this man hid cartons of cigarettes under his cap just like his grandfather also did. He's not smiling and he's glancing over at the bearded man.

It takes Jay a moment to realize exactly who it is, the fog in his mind clearing as reality pieces itself together for him.

"Halstead, you there?" It's Adam Ruzek, Jay's former roommate from the academy. "Jay, come on, we've got to get to back."

 _Back._ Those are places Jay never wants to return to.

"Where are we going? And who's he?" Jay nods towards the older man who appears to be waiting for them. Things still aren't exactly adding up to what's going on. One moment he's in the dining hall and the next he's being asked to step out to speak with his Commander. Now he's standing next to someone he didn't think he'd be seeing again.

Adam chuckles and walks over to Jay, wrapping a friendly arm over his shoulders. "Remember a few months ago when I told you I wasn't going to be stuck here anymore? I was offered a spot that I had no chance in getting straight out of the academy. That's where we're going." He pauses and then points to the older man, "And that's Al Olinsky. I highly suggest you don't try and be the rough bad boy and defy everything he tells you, I had some trouble with that in the beginning."

There's a short laugh, almost a bark. "You still have trouble with that."

"That's beside the point right now." Adam responds to him before giving his attention back to Jay. "Listen, we're temporarily short a member of our team. I told my boss about you and he told me to bring you back with me."

"I can leave? Just like that?" The request doesn't make sense to him. He hasn't even graduated from the academy yet so how can he just leave like none of what he's been doing even mattered?

Adan shrugs his shoulders. "I mean, I did. Don't worry about a thing. Voight's got you covered. All you need to do is pack up your belongings and come with us."

He does remember the day that Adam came back into their room now. While Adam was down doing self-defense exercises with the group, there were two men who approached him. Jay was late getting there because his mind just wasn't clear enough to start the day, which happens more often than he'd like. Adam entered with a huge grin on his face and told Jay that he was just offered a 'deal of a lifetime' job and he no longer had to be stuck in the academy. He was going out in the world where the real crimes were.

Jay watches as Adam and Al share a look. He can't exactly decipher what it means but he feels like he's being studied. He has so many questions because this situation doesn't feel like it's real. Who is Voight and what exactly is he able to cover for him?

"I'm sorry but this all just seems unbelievable to me. How is it that I just magically get the exact same scenario as Adam?"

Al steps up, both hands in his pockets. "Listen, what Adam is saying is true. You can ask all the questions you want later because right now we need you. We need you now. The city and its people need you now. Unless, you'd rather stay here and we can pick out someone else from this litter."

"He's coming with us." Adam states before stepping between Al and Jay, "Why don't you wait out by the car? I'll help Halstead out with his things."

"You don't give me orders. I give you orders."

Adam rolls his eyes at Al. "And Sarge gave us both the order to find Jay and bring him back. I'm not challenging you on this but I know Jay better than you do. I think I have the better chance at convincing him to come with us than you can."

Jay decides to speak up, starting to feel a bit uncomfortable if anyone else sees these two bickering over him. "I think I can hear you. I never said I wasn't going to come with you. I just said I don't believe that this is happening."

This time Al chuckles. "I like him." He points to a finger towards Adam. "You've got ten minutes or I'm going with somebody else. And if Voight is angry about it, you can just explain everything to him."

"And I think we can both agree that you're not meant to be stuck in here. You've literally been to war and back. You can handle more out there then these Commanders here can. They sit behind desks all day and get a little extra for running these programs. Hell, you've even got a signed order to get out of here. If that's not enough of a reason to fly free, then I can't help you."

Jay cracks a smile of his own. "You must really want me that badly, Ruzek. I've never seen you beg so much."

Adam gives him a playful shove to his shoulder. "Yeah, funny." He shakes his head. "Are you in or are you out?"

As much as he would like more time to really consider his decision, Jay is definitely ready to be back out in the world. He finds himself feeling too confound at the academy. He enjoys the structure because he's use to if after he joined the military.

Adam's right about being from war and back. Before getting into the academy's program, Jay was a Ranger for the U.S. Army. Now, getting through the Ranger program was brutal. Something in him drove him to keep pushing forward whenever he thought he just might not be enough for it. He's been told if he made it through the Ranger program, then he could make it through anything. Somehow he prevailed. Somehow he always prevailed.

Except when he came home after deciding he did all he could for the military and it was time to get back to being a civilian. Some days adjusting back to an every day normal life seemed more brutal than his days at war. Maybe it was because the war inside of him lived undefeated, still to this day. There times where he couldn't eat. Nights when he couldn't sleep. Noises and pain that his brain made up just to remind Jay of the unspeakable things he saw or did in his time in Afghanistan.

As soon as his thoughts attempt to go back to his darkest days, Jay's able to fight them off - at least this time he's successful.

"Let me go pack."

Adam claps for the success. Jay predicts Adam's smile is more for the fact that he'll probably go off to that Al gentleman and throw it in his face that he's the one who got Jay to agree. That's how Adam was during his time in academy and he likes to think that Adam didn't let the things he witness in the world change his spirit.

He doesn't even have too much to pack away. He came to the police academy with practically nothing. The clothes he wears and the meals that are provided daily are almost everything Jay needs to survive. Plus his liking of keeping his minimal belongings and part of the room tidy, makes putting it all way that much faster. Adam, on the other hand, is a little bit of an opposite on that mark.

Once he's finished he's not sure if he had to stop by any offices or say goodbye to anyone. He would chat to the others in passing or when he had to, otherwise he kept to himself. When Adam was still there they would talk everyday. Jay enjoyed that communication. He hadn't felt like he had someone he almost considered to be in his friend in a long time. He also couldn't find anyone who he could really trust other than himself.

There was a period of time where he felt like he did -

 _No,_ he's still not going to let himself go _there._

With his duffel bag over his shoulder, Jay bounds down the stairs and then heads off in the direction where he left Adam. He finds him with his phone held up to his ear, pacing in a circle and nodding every once in a while.

"Okay, if that's what you want. No, I'm not judging you. I know better than that. Hey," Adam glances when he finally notices that Jay has returned, "hey, I really have to get going. Yes, I will get it done. You have my word. Okay, I'll see you soon."

Adam laughs after he hangs up. "Man, I'll never get over how quickly you get things done."

"I wasn't interrupting anything, was I?" Jay asks, ignoring the comment.

"Nah, we should get going though. There's a lot we need to do for the case and we have to get you introduced to everyone. That'll all be rather fast because Chicago doesn't stop." Adam places a hand on Jay's shoulder as they start to walk out. "It might be overwhelming at first but I wouldn't have done all of this if I didn't think you could handle it. You're way tougher than I could ever be, Jay, and one of the reasons I've been able to make it is because of you."

"Me?" His bewildered thought blurts out.

Adam pushes the door open and both men are greeted by the ict chill of the Chicago winds. "Your dedication is unmatched. I can't exactly say your discipline inspired me -"

"He's got a point there." Al butts in. He's parked out front from the building's entrance and leaning against his black Dodge. "He knows from experience." Al comments.

"I may have run into some of the other boys who graduated from the academy and bragged about being upstairs. I got put on patrol as a punishment." Adam explains to Jay. "So, if you recognize anybody on patrol, don't say a word."

"We all got a laugh from it." Al comments.

"It wasn't so bad." Adam says. "We can do all the catching up we want once shift is over." Adam offers to take Jay's bag and puts it in the car.

Then Al walks up to him and places a hand on Jay's shoulder in a guiding way. "Jay Halstead, I'd like to congratulate you on being sprung out of this academy. Welcome to Intelligence."

The three of them get into the Dodge, Jay taking one last look at the academy before closing the door completely.

"Adam, what did you mean when you said you're temporarily short on staff?" Jay asks once Al pulls away from the curb.

"Well," Adam begins with a heartfelt chuckle, "my fiancée, Kim, is pregnant. She's been put on light duty for the remainder of her pregnancy. She's not too thrilled about it but it's what's best for her and the baby." He makes a face indicating he forgot something rather important. "Hey, Olinsky. do we have a second to stop at the deli on the way? I promised Kim I'd bring her lunch."

Al turns and gives Adam look. "Because if you don't, she'll threaten to kill you?" Then he sighs. "We really need to get back. You are aware that we're in a middle of an ongoing case? We've already wasted enough time playing salesmen to this one." He points behind himself with his thumb to where Jay's sat.

"Yeah, I do know. And you're already aware that Kim will threaten me with death, so let's stop wasting time talking and just go to the deli on the corner."

Al lets out a sigh, and mumbles while making a turn, "I don't when I turned into your personal chauffeur."

Adam shakes his head and looks back to Jay. "He'd get the worst ratings on Uber."

Jay doesn't say anything. The banter between the two is amusing but he's got other things on his mind. He has no idea what he's about to walk into. The anxiousness of being unprepared is finally catching up to him and he knows how serious this career is, so his nerves have no place here.

When he glances up, Al's looking at him from the rear view mirror. The car is already in park and Adam is no longer in the car. The silence between them feels like it's screaming at him.

"Ruzek's said you were in the military. Army?"

Jay nods. "Yes, sir."

Al waves him off. "You don't have to use the formalities with me. I'm Al or I'm Olinsky. I also served in the Army."

That puts Jay a little more at ease. Maybe Al would understand where he's coming from when it came to what happens after life in the army - not that Jay would come out and say when he's struggling. He liked to think he's starting to get a handle on knocking it down whenever it would try to come up. Keeping it down is another story.

He knows plenty of other who go from the army to the police force. For some there's a comfort in being back in uniform and protecting people because it's familiar or the only life they know. At least that's how Jay feels about it.

Before the awkwardness of the conversation grows any larger, Adam returns to the car with a brown paper bag. "She already called it in. Sarge is getting worked up that we're not back yet. There's been a few leads called in since we've been out."

All Al does is nod before he continues driving again.

The rest of the ride and their exit from the car remains silent until Adam turns around, walking backwards while he talks to Jay. "Before we go up, I have to warn you that Sargent Voight is not someone you want to mess around with. He's too the point and everything he says or does is with purpose. It sounds like I'm kissing his ass but what you get from Hank Voight is 100 percent Hank Voight. You'll see."

Al grunts in response as he opens the door to the district.

As soon as they all walk in, there's commotion. Officers in blue are chatting and rushing past the large welcoming front desk, where an older woman is talking to a civilian, waving him off and pointing towards the door.

It's their turn to pass by and Jay's unsure if he should even try to introduce himself.

"You're late." The older woman at the desk comments. She's not even looking up from the paper she's filling out. "Adam's fault, I assume. Well, I can't assume because I'm right. By the way, whatever you have on you smells rancid."

"That's Trudy Platt. Don't worry, you learn to love her. Eventually." Adam says, aiming it more to the woman than Jay.

"Oh, Adam Ruzek, you make me blush." She drawls. "Upstairs. Now."

Adam puts his hands up in surrender, purposefully waving the bag around so Trudy gets another wave of the scent.

"What the hell did you even get?" Jay pinches his nose.

"It's Kim's latest craving. You get used to the smell but I still can't kiss her after she eats it."

"I think that's why she really orders it." Al comments, unlocking the cage and holding it for Adam and Jay. It slams closed behind them.

It makes Jay flinch and he momentarily feels trapped but he pushes past the feeling and walks up the set of stairs behind Adam.

When he reaches the top he's met with multiple desks, adorned with framed photographs and computers. There's a white board straight ahead of them with pictures of mugshots hung on it with words underneath that Jay can't make out. There's a tall and strong-built man and a shorter man talking to a smaller blonde woman, his arms folded across his broad chest.

Adam doesn't even announce their arrival and makes a beeline for the only person sitting at a desk. He's guessing the brunette is Kim and tries to discretely catch a glimpse to see how far along she is.

"Hey, baby," Adam's leaning down and placing his hand over Kim's small bump. Then he greets her, kissing the top of her head, "and my other baby."

Kim takes the bag from Adam and playfully swats at him. "Get out of here."

"Wow. Not even a 'thank you'." He shakes his head and flashes her a grin.

From what Jay knows of Adam, he never expected to see him with a fiancée and a baby on the way in just a few months. There were nights in their room where Adam would talk about all the women he's been with. He was engaged one time before but it didn't work out once he decided he wanted to be a policeman.

There's suddenly another man in the room, coming from the door next to the whiteboard. His stare is hard once he spots Jay in the back. He raises his arm up and motions for him to approach him.

Jay obeys. He's stayed obedient and respectful after all his years in the army.

"All right, listen up." The grit in his tone surprises Jay. He doesn't know what he was expecting the Sargent to sound like but it wasn't what he's actually hearing.

All the side conversations stop and all eyes on on him and Jay.

"This is Jay Halstead. He's going to be with us while Burgess in on light duty and until she returns from maternity leave. Hailey, you'll be partnered up with Jay. I want you on surveillance and follow up on that call Kim received. Catch him up and show him how it's done." The raspy voice of his new sergeant orders before distributing out the jobs to the rest of the unit.

Adam is right. He doesn't have the chance to thank the Sargent for the opportunity or learn anyone's names. Voight doesn't take time to mess around. Everything he does is with purpose.

Jay looks over to the only other female in the room with them. She's much shorter than him, has blonde hair, and her eyes are a piercing and icy blue. He can't believe from the distance he is from her that he could tell what the color of her eyes are, much less describe the shade they are.

There's something about eyes that catch Jay off guard and the staggering eyes of Hailey Upton haven't been the first pair to pull Jay into their wild and beautiful world.

"Yes, Sarge." The blonde looks up at him and nods in Jay's direction.

"Get the job done and tonight we will return home safely. All of us." Voight nods as he looks his team over. "Let's head out."

Jay watches as everyone swiftly goes into action, paying attention to how they seamlessly move, grabbing their coats and moving around their obstacle - him - and leaving. They're ready to hit the streets without a question, only a single order.

"Hey, are you coming?" Hailey calls out to Jay, a quizzical look on her faces as she's looking at him.

He can't let himself get distracted. Not already.

"Yeah, yeah. Sorry." Jay says, hurrying up to follow Hailey back down the stairs.

"We got a call in about on a vehicle that's been reported stolen. Apparently, whoever stole it has also stolen plates to switch them out. The driver, our lead suspect, is Daniel McCarlson. A registered sex offender who has multiple priors with kidnapping charges...-"

As Jay's doing his best to pay attention to everything Hailey's saying, a high-pitched ringing suddenly takes over his ears and it slowly begins to drown out Hailey's voice

The job involves him to be strong and always on his toes. Nothing is allowed to distract him when he is on a mission. The only thing running through his body will be adrenaline. Rescues will be his top priority and the second would to make sure the same unlawful and sick acts don't happen by the same person twice. Jay thinks that he has seen all the worst acts of humankind from his days at war. He'd be dealing with more: drug dealers, traffickers, murderers, rapists, kidnappers, and the mentally disturbed.

The motives are sometimes similar: control. People get a high from knowing that they can have power over another living form. It all can lead back throughout history, when dictators blamed and killed others in horrific ways. People were gassed, mutilated, and dehumanized. Taking those people down gave the world a sense of pride and accomplishment. It wiped away their fear. In reality, the fight iss far from over. There are still individuals out there committing these sickening crimes. If history taught people anything, it's that the feeling of being victorious only lasted until the next villain arose.

There is a silver lining but, it's barely visible. With all the bad that swirls around, there are still the good ones. Heroism tends to fall right onto their shoulders. Children are taught to be good and if they believe, then they can do anything that they dream of. What happened along the way to the children who turn into these rapists, murderers, or sex offenders? Did they truly believe they could do what they do?

Humans have complex minds and people, such as Jay, are trained to look past the formation. The task is to save the innocent and victimized prey that they have let themselves feel happy in harming.

This time his task is a big one and he only hopes that he is prepared to handle every aspect of what he agreed to get himself into. All the images that he was going to have to see could make him vomit, like they did during his first days of being in the military. He taught himself to choke that all down. He still does to this day so it shouldn't really be a problem. Jay knows if he ever blows his cover, then he can bring on more danger than there was in the beginning.

"Halstead, are you sure you're with me? If you're not with me, then you have to tell me." Hailey explains to him, keeping her voice soft when he's sure that anyone else would be annoyed with him by now.

He swallows and closes his eyes for a moment to blanket over the darkness he feels catching up to him. When he opens his eyes he's now determined. Jay checks over to Hailey and he doesn't want to screw this up for her. "Yeah, I'm with you."

Those bright blue eyes are searching his for the honesty behind his affirmation and he feels like he's caught in a trance all over again. But it's not the darkness that's pulling him in this time. It's her. Only her.


End file.
